Being raised by Muslim parents: an on-going conflict between your progressive take on religion versus their old-school ones. You're just trying to make sense out of being a modern-day Muslim, and so are they. And the results are hilarious.
1. "Mum, don't get dunyafied"
When things go south (i.e. you mess up big time), you take the opportunity to remind your parents that life is fleeting and your single aim is to reach jannah.
Besides, this is kadar, God's will (At this point you should be halfway across the room, ready to sprint for your life).
2. The answer is in how loud they say Allahu Akbar
Our questions are always oh-so-crucial so we can't wait until our parents finish their four-minute prayer to ask them. Luckily, we have a code we know by heart:
"Allahu akbar"= yes
"ALLAAAHU AKBAARR"= NO! You should thank Allah I'm praying because, otherwise, you would have gotten yelled at.
Bonus: if you're feeling extra bold, you "misunderstand" their no as a yes and deal with their rage after the damage is done.
3. They take guilt-tripping to new (celestial) heights
No matter how good of a son/daughter you think you are, your parents will always make you feel like you're falling short. Muslim parents have a special way to do this.
The sheikh is talking about how Muslims should honor their parents? Baba will raise the volume. Mama found a 'hadith about how she is your guide to heaven? She will share it on your Facebook wall. It's inevitable.
4. The "too old for 3idiyyah" debate
You're still considered a child in almost every aspect of life, but sub'han Allah as soon as Eid comes up, you're an independent adult who's too old for 'eidiyah.
You will protest against this every year until you start making your own money and they - only half-jokingly - suggest that you owe them a 'eidiyah. Ha! Cute.
5. Humor with a halal twist
It's really something else.
6. Miss a prayer, and you'll get a death stare that's the stuff of jahannam
It's all fun and games until your parents ask if you've prayed and you say no. Their response comes with a wide spectrum of possibilities, depending on their mood and how long ago the prayer was due.
Responses range from a "yalla habibi, 'oom salle", to a death stare, to an hour-long lecture.
7. There's always that one good Muslim child your parents are always comparing you to
There's always that one cousin/family friend who's a "better Muslim" than you are (at least as far as the adults are concerned) and your parents will remind you of that golden child on every occasion.
"You know your second cousin Salwa who wakes up for fajr, wears hijab, reads Qur'an every night, went to Oumra last month...? Her parents are coming over for dinner."
8. They leave all the decisions they don't want to make to Allah
Their vocabulary features: nshallah, iza allah rad (if God wills), 'aal taysir (depending on God's assistance).
9. Mission impossible: convincing them to let you get a dog
How many "wlak haram! najase!" does it take for you stop trying?
10. To them, your dreams at night are practically gospel (no pun intended)
Now this is our mother's strong suit. You really can't talk about a weird dream you had without your mom taking out her dreams explanation book. If in deciphering your dream, it turns out to mean that you've done a bad deed, brace yourself for extensive interrogation.
11. They're your personal sheikhs
Forget Google, they're your go-to reference for any Islam-related question.
12. The daily du'aa Whatsapp texts
Because what blesses your day better than an Islamic du'aa with a side of motherly love?
13. Having them on social media is a minefield
You go to great lengths to guarantee a halal social media presence.