If 'Love, Actually' happened in Lebanon this Christmas

Love, Actually ...does exist...in Lebanon. 

Don't believe me? Consider these totally believable Lebanese Love, Actually scenarios. 

Daoud Kariri is recently appointed prime minister of Lebanon, just as U.S. President Donald Trump heads to the tiny country as part of a Middle Eastern "I don't actually hate Muslims" tour. 

But Trump's arrogance soon gets under Kariri's skin. And he decides to make a stand for Lebanon. Kariri is not the greatest public speaker, but his stance is crystal clear. 

"We may be a small country, but we're a great one, too. The country of Kahlil Gibran, Fairouz, Bernard Khoury, 'W Hala2 la Wein'...Haifa Wehbe's left toe. Haifa Wehbe's right toe, too."

Later, Kariri stumbles upon a passionate political activist, borderline hipster Natalie, during an anti-Trump protest outside the Serail. 

They lock eyes and it is love at first demonstration. God knows these politically-fueled encounters have bred many a generation in Lebanon. 

He simply can't get Natalie out of his mind. He asks his mukhabarat agents about her. He must find her. He must. 

He tracks her down, and braves nightmarish Lebanese Christmas Day traffic to reach her day3a, Koura. It takes him approximately three days. 

When he finally finds her, she is but a face in a sea of human beings. She sits with her entire family (teta, jiddo, khalto, 3amto, 3amo, cousin 1, cousin 2, cousin 3, cousin 10, second cousin 1, second cousin 2 and so on and so forth) having Christmas dinner. Her youngest cousin is dressed as an octopus, which is also one of the mezza on the table. 

No matter. It's time to tell her she's the one. No sooner does he utter these words than teta comes out with a "zalghouta" because Daoud is all Natalie has been talking about. 

Kariri and Natalie are betrothed in a wedding the size of Saida. 

Kareem was born in Bint Jbeil. 

He's 24-years-old and still hasn't found the one for him. He says the Lebanese girls in Lebanon are "kteer lebneneye...ya3ne kteer mam7oneen." 

So, he decides to leave Bint Jbeil, Lebanon to Bint Jbeil, USA (aka Deaborn, Michigan). Why, you make ask? To find a 3aroos, of course. 

He finally meets the girl of his dreams, aka bint el 7alal. He found her on Tinder but no matter...anybody is better than a Lebanese girl in Lebanon to him. He asks for her hand in marriage over tarwwee2a Lebneniye authentique with Fairuz's angelic voice in the background. 

Instead of a dowry, Kareem offers zaatar and sumac that he has somehow managed to get past US customs. Her nostalgic father is thrilled. 

They do a "kateb ktab". Kareem's wuzzi days are over...for now. 

Jamal, a writer at The Daily Star, has recently broken up with his fiancée. She has left him for his BFF, and Jamal has just about had it with pretentious Lebanese "friends". 

He escapes to Broumana. A 20 minute drive from Beirut, but a world away from the congestion and trash crisis. AH, the perks of living in Liban. 

And speaking of being a world away, a beautiful girl named Aurora has shown up at his front door like an apparition. 

In broken English, she claims to be his cousin. Jamal decides that this makes sense probability-wise given that his family extends ad infinitum. 

Her beauty also renders him a bit of an idiot. He lets her in. 

Aurora, originally from Brazil, can barely make out a sentence in Arabic or English. Her mother is Brazilian and her father is half Brazilian, half Lebanese. 

The duo are "forced" to spend the weekend together in the cottage. 

It is a very awkward two days, needless to say, but when Aurora decides to journey back to her home country, Jamal feels a tinge of sadness. 

There is only one thing he can do. He must take up a Portuguese course at the Instituto Cervantes de Beirut. 

Months after that, he's on a flight to Rio. 

Aurora's father is half-Lebanese, and like most Lebanese migrants, he's all about tradition. He tells Jamal that he is required to ask for his daughter's hand in marriage in a formal tolbeh. 

For this tolbeh, Aurora's entire family gathers together in a football stadium that they have rented out to accommodate the gathering. 

Aurora moves to Lebanon and opens up a cozy cafe in Ashrafieh. She transforms into a Lebanese hipster hot-spot and masters the art of falsafeh, which exacts a toll on their relationship ... but I'll leave that for another romantic comedy parody!