We admire CollegeHumor's personification of the well-loved search engine, Google, in their YouTube series >"If Google Was A Guy."
As I face my laptop watching these videos, an existential question hit me... "what if Google were an Arab guy?"
Playing with this idea back and forth, here are a few possibilities of how Google would respond if it were an Arab guy:
1. On traditional recipes
Search result: "Ask your mom or teta to make it for you and spare yourself the scent of burnt onions."
As if you could go without your mother's or grandma's help... *chuckles*
2. On making some extra cash
Search result: "Become a Personal Trainer... without even getting certified first."
Well let's see, you could act in ads, ask for a raise, look for a new job... But since you're Arab...
3. On visas
Search result: "Find yourself an ajnabi ... and marry them."
4. On escaping traffic
Search result: "Find an ambulance and follow it."
No no no no, that's European Google answering in that photo...
Did you mean: Escape traffic in Lebanon
5. On punctuality
Search result: "So change that meeting schedule. Be Arab, be late."
"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." - Andy Warhol.
6. On finding a life partner
Search result: "Have your mom go on a bride-hunt for you."
Franji Google is back at interfering...
This is matchmaking in the fast lane, delivered straight to your doorstep. This is the fast food of marriage proposals. Just get your mom to help you.
7. On beards
Search result: *Goes through dusty archive of 3 million results* "I'm sorry bro, we grow hair on demand here."
8. On how to propose
Search result: "You might want to consider proposing to her father first"
Suggested search: Ties for men
9. On how to ask a Muslim girl out
Search result: "Wanna date? I bought a whole box when I went to Mecca."
You might want to consider >halal pick up lines around here...
10. On Snapchat rules
Search result: "Apply the dog filter and blow arguileh smoke in the camera."
That's an easy one.
11. On exercise
Search result: "Join a nearby dabke club. Your leg muscles will quadruple! *laughs in Arabic*"
Follow the first two steps carefully, then pick up that towel and... dabke!
12. On hair gel
Search result: "Make sure to apply 10 kgs before you start feeling heavy... the more, the merrier."
13. On profession
Search result: "Mestelim sherket bayye *wink*"
14. On fun activities for kids
Search result: "Take them to a hookah lounge and watch them suffocate silently as you're busy blowing smoke all around them."
15. On mobile phone purchases
Search result: "Well it depends... which one is more expensive?"
Because Arabs have a high profile to maintain.