Wedding season is upon us, and that means it's time for the yearly dose of commentary on >Arab weddings.
There's no denying that Arab weddings are in a league of their own. But with time, you tend to notice that they can get quite redundant.
There are a few ever-present staples; from the 40-minute-long zaffe, and the lit dabke routines, to the over-the-top luxury that makes you question your life choices. Not to mention of course the food you can't help but overindulge in despite knowing all too well that your keresh will become the talk of the town.
But these are not the only constants at our weddings. There is also a certain consistency when it comes to the types of guests that attend.
Long story short? Here's a list of people you are bound to find at any given Arab wedding:
1. The 3aroos-hunting mothers
It's a well-established fact that Arab weddings double as real-life matchmaking sites; mostly thanks to mothers on the hunt for their future daughters-in-law.
These moms creep up on the prettiest young women in the wedding to ask them"inti bint meen?" ("whose daughter are you?") and boast about their sons. The latter? Always handsome doctors (read: "daktor") living abroad. Subhan allah!
2. The dabke masters
They steal the spotlight with epic dabke dance moves that sometimes even defy gravity (remember the> dabke challenge?)
Now the one-million-dollar question is: Do these people practice their dabke routines all year long or is it all freestyle coming from within?
3. The zarghouta professionals
They are blessed with impeccable vocal chords and superhumanly-long breaths.
Teach us your ways, aunties!
4. The human surveillance cameras
Beware of these ones, as they are here for the rumors.
They will watch your every move and report their observations to their clique in the sob7iyya the day after... Adding their own analysis and hypotheses; elementary, my dear Watson.
They will discuss everything, from your hair and makeup to the way you danced, to whom you chatted with and how your husband was staring at the belly-dancer.
5. The critics
Nothing is ever good enough for the critics, or as the Lebanese would say, ma bye3jebon el 3ajab ("They wouldn't be impressed by a miracle.")
They have to give their two cents on everything, from the food to the seating plan. You can count on them to find flaws in the most perfectly-planned weddings.
6. The complaining drama queens
Not to be mistaken for the critics.
These ones take things personally almost immediately. They make a huge fuss out of the most trivial details, like where they are seated or how many members of their family were invited.
7. The ones who turn the wedding to a photoshoot
You will want to block them from social media for a week following the wedding, or risk being spammed with selfies, 2-minute-long stories and cliche captions.
Thank God they're not the bride though, or else it would've been a whole month of social media honeymoon updates.
8. The ones who say "Bist'hi er2os" ... and then take over the dance floor
One minute people are begging them to dance, the next they are in the middle of the dance floor flaunting impeccable dance moves for the rest of the night.
I'll be at the buffet if anyone needs me *drags empty plate to hide behind the mini pastries*