A Lebanese survival kit: how to maneuver your relatives' invasive questions

Lebanese relatives sure are crafty. Their invasiveness puts detectives to shame.

They get down to the nitty gritty by making small talk and asking you all types of questions that make you think: "ya ardi nshaqi w blaaini."

We have the answer: Fool-proof ways of getting out of uncomfortable situations, and only half of them include passing off the question to a sibling or being very passive aggressive about it.

Let's take a look at the most frequent questions, and what you can do to keep them satisfied while not revealing anything about yourself.

A question that you know you can never outrun. Don't fret, there's a simple answer to this one. Always complain about fate not being on your side (ma fi naseeb).

No matter who you are, just complain about the gender you are willing to marry, and everyone will agree. If you're a girl who wants to marry a man, all the women around you will nod their heads knowingly when you talk about how none of the guys around are suitable (when you really you just don't want to get married but don't you dare say that).

If they ask you " amtan badna nshufik arooos ?" ... just tell them you prefer a sandwich kind of aaroos filled with some labneh w zaatar.

You can always put the ball in their court too, by telling them to hook you up with someone. You know they won't.

You know if your answer steps out of the "doctoor w muhandes" zone, you're in trouble.

They will always act as if they're worried about your future and ability to find a job, oftentimes comparing you to their daughter/son who has been studying in university for ten years with no experience whatsoever.

For example, I can't tell you the amount of times my distant relatives "knew someone in advertising" and tried to get me a job. I studied journalism ...

To avoid the "lesh" ... help them relax by telling them you already have a job lined up with a distant relative they don't know (make it very distant) to put their anxious minds at ease.

If you have family living abroad or you live abroad, there's always this uncomfortable silence when they bring up spending Christmas at their place. However, there is a trick to answering this question. Just say, "Yes! Sure!" and they'll never bring it up again, because the truth of the matter is everyone wants to be with their immediate family, having their own traditions, during the holidays.

If you're a writer, one of the best responses could be:  "Well, actually, auntie, I take your ridiculous questions and make them into stories."

This is directly correlated to the question when you answer that you studied anything besides being a doctor or an engineer. It's really not the relatives fault they don't understand the fact that you're employed and in your field!

This is heard everywhere from the hairdressers (who aren't related to you in any way) up to the jabali folk (who sadly are). Isn't the main point of family that you can look like trash and still be accepted? I guess, when it comes to looks, there's always something to criticize, such as hair length, acne or basically anything within and out of your control.

You can either take it into stride, or dress in a huge-brimmed hat and potato sack next time.

This is merely because they heard some freshly graduated doctor is looking for a wife, or a girl is looking for a doctor, and they want to know if your available. Just say "yes." Yes, you're taken, then pass it along to another sibling who's not. It's their problem now, just sidle away.

You've either gained weight or lost some weight (usually the former), but there has to be a whole 20 minute discussion around your physical appearance.

You can either wear baggy clothes from the start to dodge the whole conversation altogether (because they wouldn't notice under those clothes) ... or you can just say you know you've gained weight and that you've been working out to help shed off those extra pounds.

Usually this is kept under wraps, unless your family doesn't understand why you're doing it, then your over-invasive relatives will be all over it. I know at this point you want to shout "BECAUSE OF YOU!" But calm down, there's a way to do this without committing social suicide. Simply say you wanted to try it out, then quickly change the subject.

So, it seems some people enjoy waiting in a hot room, waiting for something to roast. I, simply, don't. And apparently that's so strange to hear, because obviously a woman's place is the kitchen. Avoid this question by making something very simple (I like to make cookies, from a box) and have them eat the food you made. That should keep their mouths full for a bit and keep you looking smug.

Unless you're an only child, there's always going to be one of your siblings that's done something better than you. This is why you need dirt on your brothers and sisters, especially the "golden" child. The minute your relatives ask you why you're not like said sibling, you pull out your dirt but in the most nonchalant way. For example, "Oh, you mean why I didn't set the carpet on fire and could've accidentally burnt down the house?" While your parents are shooting you daggers, just smile and say, "Well, the thought never crossed my mind!"