For those who haven’t had the chance to catch up on the previous Star Wars movies, here is the abridged version taken from one of the popular storm troopers childrens' fables. The series also includes all time classics such as; "The tale of Vader Rabbit," "Horton Hears a Jedi," "Winnie the Sith Bear" and "Luke and the Light Saber Factory."
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away…
There was a little boy named Anakin. Who dreamed of being a pilot.
He met an evil old Jedi named Qui Gon and a haggard witch named Amidala.
The evil Jedi and the hideous queen forced him to compete in a very dangerous pod race derby so that they could make money gambling.
He was then snatched away from everything he loved, including his home and mother, and placed him in a Jedi boarding school.
After many years of training and hard work, he became an intolerably bad actor named Hayden Christensen.
After an event that trillions of beings had gone through before, the death of his mother, and the realization of the mortality of his wife, he skips 4 of the 5 steps of grief and goes straight to anger, and helps the great Darth Sidious murder thousands of no good Jedis and take over the universe.
His deceitful and jealous mentor, Obi Wan, severely disfigures him in the process.
As his career takes off, he upgrades his wardrobe, Hugo Boss obviously.
His son goes through a rebellious phase and starts hanging out with the wrong crowd, including the galaxy's most notorious smugglers.
Which he reacts to by cutting his son's hand off, (he could have grounded him but one shouldn't judge others' parenting techniques.) But the hero then embraces his son, and uses his connections to try and give him a job, which his son, who always hated the corporate environment, arrogantly rejects.
Despite him being within reach of tenure while company profits were at an all-time high, his ungrateful and still-resentful son and friends try to sabotage all the firm's good work. After being deceived by his son, he betrays the only person that ever cared for him, his loving adopted father, the emperor.
After the hero's death, his evil, spoiled brat of a son, and his band of criminal, contraband-smuggling friends blow up the company headquarters – for the second time mind you – killing thousands of hard-working storm troopers who were just trying to support their families and pay a mortgage
THE END
Now you are all caught up, and ready for the newest film in the series, "Star Wars: The Force Awakens." Will the heroes be able to restore the balance, or will the bandits and extremists crush all dissent?