The 11 Resolutions You Will Never Keep

The New Year is all about turning over new leaves, creating hobbies, forging stronger bonds with friends and family, and conquering the whole inner-peace thing.

That, or drinking champagne. We are not sure which. That's why we came up with eleven resolutions you'll never keep. Don't even waste the time making these resolutions. We can already hear it. In 2015, I will:

I will join CrossFit and work out six days a week there, going for 10k runs after every weight session. I am also going to buy protein powder and drink delicious, soy-based shakes with spirulina and bee pollen after every workout.

I won’t drink beer or hard alcohol. Only organic, dandelion-based wine. And only two nights a month.

I will stop Facebook-stalking my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend. I will never again post Taylor Swift quotes to my Tumblr page in hopes that he falls back in love with me.

Every night, I will take all my make-up off before I go to sleep. Then, I will cleanse, wash, moisturize and massage the shit out of my face, before sleeping a perfect nine hours on a silk pillowcase to minimize wrinkles.

Every morning, I will wake up at 5:00 am and greet the morning sun on my porch, no matter what the weather, with 50 downward dogs into upward dog into peace-warrior into writhing snake into inside-out cat. Then I will meditate for 20 minutes, finding the perfect amount of zen before going on my morning shake-out run. I will be running a lot in 2015.

I will exfoliate all of my skin every day with a handmade, organic pumice stone with healing crystals that was made by monks in Nepal on the top of a mountain that is only accessible by a three-day hike.

I will drink a green juice made from organic kale, spinach, celery and some lemon, for flavor. I will be so energized that I can give up caffeine and subsist only on hot water with lemon squeezed in.

I will never go to the dodgy bar around the corner from work just to flirt with the semi-attractive Brazilian bartender.

I will never smoke cigarettes again. I am so good at this resolution thing, I will be able to quit my three-pack a day habit cold turkey. Okay, maybe just one last one.

I also will stop eating meats and become a raw food vegan, refusing to eat anything that has been heated over 105 degrees because it is toxic to me and my body.

And then I'll finally achieve my life long goal of looking like Kate Moss.