A wedding is every girl's dream. However, a Lebanese girl's dream (and nowadays the groom's dream too) steps a little out of boundaries. Even though we REALLY enjoy them, here are the 9 features of every grand Lebanese wedding.
1. The hashtag
Let the play on letters begin. You're lucky if both names start with the same letter (Karim and Karla will be #ksquared).
2. Ragheb Alama
Ahh yes. This includes but is not limited to: late arrival, letting the bride sing most of the song (usually "Kobry L Abbas"), stating the first verse of every song in non-singing mode to fill the guests with excitement, and making sure he sticks around for two hours taking selfles with older women but then saying, "lyom bala selfles shabeib; lyom lal 3arous wil 3arees" .
3. A rapper/singer from "2amerka"
They claim he's famous… in Wyoming.
3. Elie Saab/Zuhair Murad dress
A uncomfortable-looking, heavy dress that holds more bling than my family's possessions. We scrutinize it while it takes her 10 minutes to turn around from one side of the dance floor to the other, yet we would have already known about it because Lebanese wedding accounts posted photos of it on Instagram - before the bride even came out.
After expressing how beautiful she looked, some guests make sure to tell their friends over coffee the next morning, "eh bas too much sara7a". Shut it Najwa, let's see YOU score a groom who can pay $100,000+ for your wedding dress #HaterNajwa
4. Same dress victims
Speaking of dresses, this is probably the funniest yet most awful feature. The feelings are mixed and are as follows:
Victims' mothers on the outside: "ma3leh mama wala yhimmik 2inte 2a7la"
Victims' mothers deep down: more pissed off than the victims themsleves
Victims on the outside: adopt an 'I don't really care; I'm just here to have fun' attitude
Victims deep down: I WILL KILL HER AND MY DESIGNER AND EVERYONE HERE
Other guests: OMG that's so bad, but wait, who wore it better?
5. Coldplay's Sky Full of Stars
NO other song for cake time? Really Lebanese DJs, get updated.
6. Minimum of 1,000 flowers
They could be arranged in a "simple" center piece or they could make a whole wall - whatever it is, you'll always be in an adaptation of the garden we all had as screen savers on our desktops in 2002.
7. Leveling
There now is a "youth" section. The older couples are annoyed if they're seated there, and the adolescents are dying to get in on the action - it's a dangerous zone.
8. The fairytale theme
We all want to be royalty but we're not. Also, can we find new wedding planners in this country? No more castles, please!
9. They start with not wanting to overdo it
"What? No way. I would never have a big wedding! I'll take the money and go travel"
I've got a hard time believing that, Najwa #LiarNajwa