Friday Brunch in Dubai, AKA: the art of holding down your food and drinks for five hours without feeling the need to puke, is a rite of passage when you live in the UAE.
And just like any other occasion, it has its unique rituals.
Here are the 17 unavoidable stages of a Friday brunch in Dubai:
1. Thursday evening
Brunch? No! I’m not going again after what happened last week! Plus, I’m going for a 7am run!
2. Friday morning
OK! FINE! I’ll go, but I’m not drinking.
3. What to wear?
“There is no way I’m wearing heels and a tight short dress!"… said no girl ever!
“I’m absolutely wearing shorts and a polo shirt”… said every man ever!
4. OK, Uber or Careem?
I guess Careem is cheaper, but I have an Uber voucher… why do I have to take such life changing decisions on Friday mornings?! WHY?
5. Why did they have to choose a 450 dirham brunch?!
I know people think money in Dubai grows on trees but trust me it doesn’t! Luckily I have my vouchers.
6. Hang on, I’m confused… and I’m not even drunk yet!
Did they say Okku or Toko? Murooj Rotana or Al Bustan Rotana? Address Downtown or Address Dubai mall? Did they run out of names??!
7. Alright, I’m here. But I promised myself I won’t drink
Ok maybe I’ll have just one… perhaps ten.
8. Is he eating soup at a brunch?
Who does that?!
9. Can I get a discount if I’m not eating?
I just want my tequila watermelons. Besides, I’ve yet to meet the person who can eat 400+ dirhams worth of food!
10. OK, maybe I’ll have some kebab to go with those cocktails
After all, you don’t want to miss the most important meal of the day!
11. This guy is clearly a tourist in Dubai
His face is lobster red, he won’t shut up about seeing sharks in a mall, and he thinks shish tawooq and shisha are the same thing!
12. Who brings children to a brunch?!
Don’t you have like 7 nannies at home?
13. Will I die if I eat sushi followed by mansaf?
No, you should be more worried about drinking that champagne!
14. Ok, I don’t know if I’m hangover or drunk
I think the next cocktail will make me decide for sure.
15. Oh, final orders!
Can I have 4 wines, 3 frozen margaritas and 5 mojitos for the road?
16. I feel like I’m a sad ball of carbs and alcohol
Does anyone want to buy my Spartan race ticket that I was feeling so ambitious when I decided to purchase it?
17. No seriously… I have to go home, now!
Bad Friend: Lock Stock and Barrel?
Me: IN!